It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
