you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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