Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
