woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
