I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize