Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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