We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
