The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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