I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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