I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
