Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
