Pants 0. Shit 1.
I wish I only lived at night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
