i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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