And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
