just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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