Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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