i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
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