I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
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