a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I died a long time ago.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I need a beard to bite.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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