Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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