See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
