I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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