Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
