When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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