It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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