just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
