My hand turned me down
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You left your phone here
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