he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
