So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
