im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize