Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
