i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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