You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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