she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
