I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
