: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
