I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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