The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
