just tell him i said nine months
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So squirting runs in the family.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
