I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
