This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
