Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
