I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
This is my gift to your gina
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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