I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Randomize
