You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
