Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
