I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
