So drunk its hurt
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
