guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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