Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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