he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
