Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
