oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
