Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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