you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
