Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
