Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
