there's paper in my vomit.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
