i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
