ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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