I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
